Another clip that always makes me laugh is from Walt Disney's Winnie the Pooh where they are giving out a reward to Kanga for finding a tail for Eeyore. They all erupt into a loud and boisterous song, but Kanga is standing very still and can be heard saying "Why don't we celebrate with silence?"
Both of these of these clips would not have made their way into my heart if I had not had a child. Nothing is ever truly orderly anymore. It might have the appearance of order, it might look orderly on the surface and to the casual untrained eye it might even fool you into thinking everything was as it should be. No, it is built on a house of cards and could come crashing down at any moment with one false move - like a tidy room, where everything has been crammed into the cupboard... (N.B. Just to illustrate my point, there is a fly in the house buzzing around my head, definitely not helping any sense of order as I wave my arms manically around my head trying to swat it!)... And while you are clinging to the last bit of control you have left in, of course, an orderly way, you can see it slipping away as your little sweetheart screams in your ear at 3am or puts her entire dinner in her juice. You sigh and think of the old days when you did whatever you wanted, slept when you wanted, ate what you wanted without having to share more than half, made tea and then drank it instead of forgetting it and finding it five hours later. Trying to maintain order just seems like a huge effort that you no longer have the time or inclination to do. Then as you watch the juice / dinner / sludge combo slowly drip to the floor into a sticky puddle that you will probably forget to wipe up until you step in it at breakfast the next day, you come to the revelation that maybe, just perhaps, letting go of some of the old order and finding a new order might be the key. And so, you make it your mission not to let this bundle of fun, this plaything, this tiny Munchkin pull you down into a steaming puddle of defeat, you will rise up, and if I may be so bold as to quote a great twist on an old saying, you will "Carpe the hell out of that Diem!". Now, this can happen any number of ways, we all have our idiosyncrasies and certain things we just cannot drop, but here are some ways I found peace in my otherwise unordered and noisy world.
Accept that you might not see some old friends for awhile: I have accepted that there will be three friends I will never really see again for some decades; Order, Silence and Sleep. It funny how we grow, the noise of a ticking clock, the hum of the fridge, or even the quiet buzzing of noise outside is now delightful to listen to. Just sitting down to read a magazine article is a pleasure I had completely forgotten (and if I manage that hot of cup of tea alongside - euphoria!) OK not maybe not quite so much... but there is that feeling of solitude that I never thought I would crave. Which is why I understand Kanga's sentiments so well. You can understand the old saying "silence is golden" once you have children! And well, even when you get to sleep through the night, you are still up early and don't stop until the little dear is in bed... and even then sometimes it takes an hour or two for them to actually go to sleep... and you daren't go upstairs because you might arouse them or alert them to your presence and then it is on to round two. As bad as it sounds, my favourite part of the whole day is bedtime. Don't get me wrong, I love our Munchkin with all of my being, but settling into the big chair, reading some stories, snuggling up, calming down, singing songs, listening to her soft breath as her body succumbs to sleep has to be one of the best experiences and makes up for anything else that might have tried my patience during the day. Now that I have accepted the absence of these three amigos I feel much calmer and less frantic - tired yes, but happier.
Make time for something just for you: When the Munchkin was about four or five months old, I looked into the mirror and thought, "Oh dear, is that what I really look like?" I'm not a vain person, I'm pretty much a get up, shower and go sort of person. I don't spend hours in the mirror trying to get that look, which is probably a good thing. However, I was not impressed with the person looking back at me. So I asked my pal Google, to find me an affordable beautician nearby (a mobile one would have been handy) that could wax my eyebrows and do the occasional facial, manicure and pedicure. I was thrilled when I found a lady 10 minutes away who loved children and didn't care if you lingered to settle or feed a fussy baby. I felt like a new woman and not like an angry Wolverine.
My husband and I also found the best masseuse who really listened and understood what we needed and would tailor her massage exactly to our desires. By the end of it she could have asked us anything and we would have agreed. And doing this on a monthly basis also helped with any twinges or tightness that might have occurred on our day to day routine definitely helped the body. Because, the physical side of parenting should be an Olympic sport and our big and old bodies just can't do some of the things a child's body can do... not to mention having to carry the equivalent of what a heavy weight lifter would do for a longer period of time!
Finding a hairdresser that also listened to exactly the style I wanted and making me look fabulous was the crowing glory! And in the summer I found a pair of silver sparkly slippers that lifted my spirits even on the greyest of days.
Of course now that I have moved away from all those wonderful peeps (I tried to get them to come, I really did), I now have to collect them all over again. But, now that things are returning to normal (whatever that is), I shall stick my head around the door of the beauticians place and the hairdresser across the road and hopefully it will be a success. Or I could come out looking like Medusa, it's trial and error really! As for the massage, I have booked one in and have been noticing all the old aches and pains returning. Proof that it was money well spent.
I still, of course, have my sparkly slippers and they sparkle even more brightly in the Alberta sunshine!
Don't ever undersell retail therapy... on your own! "Going shopping on your own is like a vacation." someone once said to me. And when you are used to having a small person in tow while you are shopping, no matter how good they are, you know you are on borrowed time. However, going shopping on your own when you know the Munchkin is otherwise occupied elsewhere... that makes it feel better! Solitude is another one of those funny things, like silence, refreshes the very soul.
There's a lot to be said about teamwork: There is the saying "it takes a village to raise a child". This metaphorical village could be friends, family, friends of family, childminders, day care, nurseries, the list goes on. The amount of help out there is quite amazing. Here we have the YMCA and it is our second home. I can leave the Munchkin in the care of a favourite Childminder and go off to the gym and Yoga for a couple of hours. Knowing she will be very happy and well cared for.
And let us not forget the other part of the relationship - The Daddy. I know this is a sensitive subject and bound to put some hackles up, but I have come to realise that I can be a part of the problem too. I have in the past (and I'm still guilty of it but I'm working on it) assumed that my husband and I are on the same wave length. That we think the same and understand a child's needs completely! No, this is wrong. Daddies have to be taught, they need to be told what to do - the simpler the better. Write instructions if it makes it better, but you have to communicate to them everything. They cannot guess what you are thinking, they cannot see a problem before it happens and there is no "mother's intuition". Yes, it all sounds exhausting, I agree. It is simpler to do it all on your own, I hear you say. Well you could fall into this trap, but trust me it will eat at you for breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner until you are so full of resentment there is nothing left. And at the beginning most husbands want to help, and there are loads of jobs they can do to make your life easier in those first few months / years. Since moving here and removing ourselves from under the storm clouds that followed us around previously, it has been quite illuminating. We have had very frank conversations where my husband actually confessed to being "a bit rubbish" in the beginning "and having no clue what to do". But also that if I had told him then what was bothering me we could have fixed it sooner. Opening up lines of communication are what can save two people from a pit of despair and might even avoid greater unpleasantness. I can understand it takes a great fortitude of strength, but trust me it is worth it in the end.
Just like any job networking is key: I've talked about silence and solitude being your friends that you don't see very often; on the other side of the scale there is loneliness. Loneliness visits too often and outstays it's welcome. Finding local baby or toddler groups or other activities is key. Getting out is more important than you know. It is daunting I know for a first time parent. I remember taking everything with me and then coming back just after an hour. But after you have done it a few times you become a pro and your packing becomes more streamlined as you learn what you really need. I have met many wonderful Mums through different activities, be it a toddler group, or a swimming lesson (the Munchkin's bestest friend was met here!), or even at the park. Making friends is part of life and helps them learn about people and how to get along with others. As we all know there are many people that make up our society and learning to live with everyone around you is lesson number one and should be taught as early as possible. Plus having another adult to talk to during the day is always a bonus - even if the conversation is broken many times over.
| Playing in the rain has it's merits too! |
In my Yoga class I have learnt the mantra, "Inhale Let", "Exhale Go". I wish I had learnt it years ago, as I find it helpful on days that just seem impossible. I have to sometimes stop myself from saying "no" when a request has been made, because there is no real reason why it can't be done. Playing in the rain, making mess with yogurt (although this one getting a little old now!), mixing up the play dough, squeezing all the paint out of the bottle and my absolutely personal favourite, pealing the paper off the crayons so they get all jumbled up with different colours (ours are also nibbled in places). Oh and don't forget sequins and glitter, markers and ink.
I can remember playing in the rain with my cousin and getting completely muddy. Nothing a good bath and some dry clothes won't fix. And as for mud on clothes or swim wear - either wear clothes that don't matter or source out some good stain removal. Stain removal is a mother's bestest friend for keeping your sanity because lets face it there are going to be stains, not just on them but sometimes on you too! I can remember leaving a restaurant and getting home, removing my shirt and seeing a huge pasta sauce smear on my shoulder - how did it get there?
When I was growing up I was the one that coloured with all side of my coloured pencils. Hated when one was shorter than the rest. Lined them all up in the order of the colour spectrum or rainbow depending how many I had. I didn't like paint or glue on me. I was very tidy. I'm sure though I wasn't always like that. To get around a few pit falls I got containers to hold the paper and art supplies (matching ones), we held off from markers or ink pads after one met with our sofa a bit (then we found mess free markers for Crayola - fantastic invention) and gave her magazines to tear to preempt tearing pages out of books.
Experimentation and exploration is very important for little curious minds and starts when they are born. They are already exploring your face, getting to know you, getting to know their world. The more they are exposed to it and given free reign to roam the more confident and happy they will be and hopefully the less rebellious they will be too. We have always had very sparse rules followed by an explanation of why it is not a good idea. More laid out for the safety of the Munchkin than "just because we don't like it". We have model cars on display, wedding china in a cabinet with glass doors and DVDs on reachable shelves. She has tried to get them or asked to touch and we have explained that they are only for looking at and are very important to Mummy and Daddy. I don't see why she can't learn these boundaries at an early age. And we keep this ethos with her friends on play dates too. There is so much else to do and play with, why should they worry about a fixed porcelain statue when there are towers and towns to be built. I think this balance proves you can display your treasured items proudly on a shelf - just one that is higher up or behind glass. Now that the Munchkin is understanding emotions too it makes it a little easier.
By stopping to think what is really important and finding a happy medium for everyone involved, we can co-exist in harmony with only the odd few tantrums usually derived from both parties being tired and hungry. They learn a social responsibility and respect for their surroundings. An understanding of how to live with a group of people. Doesn't it make sense to teach them this when they are still young and impressionable? Isn't this how society is supposed to be run?
I agree everyday won't be sunshine and roses coupled with walking on sliver lined clouds. There are days when you wonder why you even bothered. But seeing a child grow into a calm and responsible member of society surely must be worth it?
